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 They Wait. . .

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TWiLiGHT

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Join date : 2011-06-04

PostSubject: They Wait. . .   Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:45 am

Man has long had an undying thirst for knowledge. It is why we often attempt to conquer the impossible. But we soon find that the results are not always what we expect. The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. But he wasn't the last. There will be more. There will be many more...

In The Distant Future, Earth's Population Begins To Become A Problem. Man Resorts To The Only Alternative. They Colonize The Moon...

Some things in life are meant to go un bothered. We don't need to know so much but we think we're the most important things in the world.

Many years after innitial colonization, a sanitation officer takes his load to the dumb just outside of the lunar city's limits. He suddenly hears a loud thud and puts on a space helmet and suit, activating radial artificial gravity, and steps out to see about what had caused it. There's nothing behind the truck or anywhere around it yet her trembles nervously, fogging his helmet with each and every breath. Stepping back into the vehicle, he proceeds. Near the dumb, however, he glances down to check his identification badge. When he looks up, he sees something in the window and tries to swerve but hits it still, causing the truck to overturn.

But what if there was something out there that could replace man as the tp dog? What if we aren't the only ones?

The man forces his way out of the vehicle and jumps down, finding nothing. The dust of the cold moon surface settles and he breathes more heavily. "Is anyone out there?! Are you alright?!" He calls out, hoping he'd not made the mistake of hitting the dump gatekeeper. Then he hears a low hissing sound, followed by the sound of a rattle. A tentacle-like apendage suddenly wraps around his neck and hoists him up with a demonic screech being the only audible sound for any distance.

They Wait. . .
"We Don't Belong Here...It's Their World."
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Leah7

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PostSubject: Re: They Wait. . .   Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:36 am

This is an excellent attention grabber! This really made me ask myself a lot of questions, which is an great technique. I enjoy the style and flow of your writing, as well as your diction, but I do have a few things to suggest for improvement.

You do have a few grammar errors, where you missed a letter or forgot a comma. There is also a line where you repeat yourself in the same sentence, making your point rather redundant. As such, I would consider checking for errors and rephrasing any repetitive lines.

I do like the finish as well, and the last two lines really make you wonder what will happen next. Thank you a lot for sharing this, I enjoyed it very much. Will you be adding more? I truly hope so! Nice work!
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TWiLiGHT

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PostSubject: Re: They Wait. . .   Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:40 am

Ah okay, I see what you mean I spotted them, thank you!
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