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 Farewell to the Hand That Fed Me - 180 words

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LostLegend
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PostSubject: Farewell to the Hand That Fed Me - 180 words   Sat Jun 11, 2011 10:42 pm

I couldn't believe it. I was going away, somewhere far from my master.
My ears flapped weakly as I stood upon my hind legs, whimpering sadly. My brow furrowed weakly and my eyes watered as I looked upon my master.
He was lying still on the couch with his arms over his stomach as if he was sleeping peacefully, his wife nursing him. They were both old people, one of which had reached their end.
I felt a tugging at my collar that brought me down on all fours again I was pulled slowly back by the hand of someone who had come to take me away.
Why? Why was it that when there were no hands to feed me, I had to be taken away to be looked after by a complete stranger?
The rest of my life would never be the same again. I wouldn't hear the appreciative voice of my master as I performed amazing tricks, I may never see a dog biscuit again and I definitely wouldn't be fed by the hand that once fed me...


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TWiLiGHT

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PostSubject: Re: Farewell to the Hand That Fed Me - 180 words   Sun Jun 12, 2011 3:04 am

I like how this short is told from the pet's perspective. I've seen it before but it's usually just the pet trying to get back to its master after getting lost, Thus making those stories Disney Movies in words. This is told in the perspective of a pet who'll have to cope with a new "master" which is a bit fresher and I think a bit more realistic. The only issue I had with it was in the first three lines. The word master is obviously a potent word in the story but in the third line, the second time the word is used, it sounds a bit odd out loud. It may just be me or may be the timing of the word. I don't know. It also does a good job of making me feel sorry for the dog. That might not be impressive to some people but I tend to only develop any form of emotion for well written characters. It's sort of like in movies when there's always one character you want to root for even if it's not the main character. Or there's a character you feel sorry they killed off. This poor guy/girl makes me feel sympathetic. Good Job!
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Leah7

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PostSubject: Re: Farewell to the Hand That Fed Me - 180 words   Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:55 am

"I couldn't believe it. I was going away, somewhere far from my master.
My ears flapped weakly as I stood upon my hind legs, whimpering sadly. My brow furrowed weakly and my eyes watered as I looked upon my master."

Here, you refer to your master twice, which is perfectly fine, but it does sound repetitive. Perhaps replace the word with a synonym or simply use "him" or something like it? Just a suggestion.

I'd also like to suggest another way to express the dog's feelings towards the previous owner and the new. Why not describe the eyes of both humans, using positive description and attachment towards the view of "master's" eyes and using negative and assuming coldness towards the stranger?

Using representational comparisons in situations like these can really add to the emotion of a piece.

Overall, I absolutely love the sad tone and the questioning lack of understanding. I hope you add more to this, I enjoyed reading it. Good work!
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